Ghosting God, Ghosting Self
Day 129
As part of a practice of Forgiveness is granting forgiveness to those who come and ask for it! God grants forgiveness after the Golden Calf, after the spies experience, to David, and desires to forgive the entire People of both the Northern kingdom and Judea if only they would ask for it, would return to Godly actions, etc. So, when someone comes to any of We the People, and is sincere in their asking for forgiveness, who are we to not forgive? Since both Moses and Micah remind us that our obligation is: “do justly, love mercy, walk humbly with God”, it seems pretty obvious that We the People are commanded to forgive when asked.
I keep repeating “when asked” because I believe the tradition, especially the prophets, teach us that forgiveness is not to be granted without a sincere T’Shuvah, an authentic awareness of the harms one has brought, a realistic plan on how to both restore the dignity and anything else that was taken from the individual and have a plan on how not to repeat this action, and a desire to resew the fabric of the relationship. It is crucial, as I read the Bible, the prophets, to believe in the spirit of another human being, to believe and honor the dignity of another human being by allowing them to come to the realization that they need to do T’Shuvah. Now, having said this, rebuking them, reminding them, letting them know is part of the holiness code, so we can help them have this authentic awareness of the harm, the hurt, the power of their negative actions upon you, upon another.
AND it is not within our power nor right to forgive someone without their seeking it because then We the People are saying they are not human enough, they are not dignified enough, they are not worthy enough to be treated as We the People should be treating ourselves-as people who have a practice of T’Shuvah, a practice of forgiveness. While there are faiths that allow for forgiveness to be given by a clergy as a representative of God, Judaism calls for We the People to do the work and Yom Kippur represents the culmination of the work of T’Shuvah, of forgiveness by coming to God, and, just as prior to Passover, using the day and the confessionals to root out whatever schmutz, whatever leaven, whatever resentments, whatever forgiveness we have not given, whatever forgiveness we have not sought. This is the true power of Kol Nidre and Yom Kippur I believe.
While most Jews in the Pews are not doing this, while most Jews in the Pews don’t have a practice of T’Shuvah, a practice of Forgiveness, We the People having one is not being a frayer, a schmuck, it is fulfilling one of the basic needs of human beings, a way to repair our imperfect actions, a way to return to our community, a way to stop ghosting God, ghosting Self, ghosting family, friends… This practice of granting forgiveness is actually a return to the soul we are created to be, a return to an authentic awareness of that which is, a return to a state of bliss, of connection with oneself, with God, with humanity. While there are people we will not like, maybe even hate, the hatred will not poison us, the not liking will serve as a reminder of who and what We the People are choosing NOT TO BE.
So, what do we do with the people who have not come to us for forgiveness, with the people we have sought forgiveness from and they refused, and/or they made it 100% our ‘fault’? The program of Alcoholics Anonymous says: “pray for them, pray for them everything you want for yourself”. I say there is a difference between forgiveness and ridding ourselves of resentment. I don’t need to resent those who have forgotten the harm they have done to me, I don’t need to resent the people who blame me for all the ills of a situation, I don’t need to resent the people who exiled me. I have learned that these resentments, which I used to carry, especially in my pre-recovery, pre-return days and into my recovery, have dissipated very quickly when they arise in the past 10+ years. The path to letting go of these resentments is a path that Dr. Susannah Heschel spoke about when she was at Beit T’Shuvah: see the person as pathetic-giving them the Divine Pathos God feels for them, “isn’t it sad that she/he/they is/are so stuck?” So stuck they can’t see nor do T’Shuvah for the harms they are still doing. Living into this divine pathos has made me a better human being, a better husband, father, uncle, sibling, friend and my commitment is to do more in 5787!
ACTION STEP:
See whom you need to grant forgiveness to and who you need to let go of your resentments toward.
God Bless, Stop Ghosting God, Stop Ghosting Self, Rabbi Mark