This week’s Parashah is VaYeshev, which means to sit, settle, dwell. It is always a surprise to me that this word is used to describe Jacob. Nothing in Jacob’s life is settling, he really doesn’t dwell in one place and he is never at peace. I wondered why for a long time and this year I see the ways that his history shaped him and how he was unable to leave the past in the past and see himself differently. Like his parents, he had a favorite child and made it known to everyone that Joseph was his favorite. He sets up a sibling rivalry between his sons and never teaches Joseph about humility and brotherly love. Granted, he saw Joseph’s talents and abilities, he just does not teach him how to use them to serve others, he lets Joseph use his gifts for himself. I believe that because he could not bring himself to reconcile with Esau when Esau stretched out to him, he was unable to teach Joseph and his other sons how to be a family together, rather he promoted the rivalry between them.
How sad and yet, I see how difficult it has always been to rise above the family systems we are raised in. In my personal and professional life I have been a witness and a participant in both being stuck in the past system and being a partner in a new system. I was also like Joseph in that I used my ability to belittle my brothers and outdo them with my parents. I wanted to be “the favorite” and it hurt me, my brothers and my parents. My father, z”l, tried hard to show me differently and I learned many of his lessons, I just didn’t apply them to living until later in my life. My mother, z”l, always wanted us to get along and be a family and she had favorites among my brothers and my sister. My sister, Sheri, being the youngest and the only girl, had it made. In fact, all of us brothers took pride in her and promoted her well-being. There was no rivalry between us regarding Sheri, everything else was up for grabs. At dinner, when my father would give us Math problems to solve, I always tried to be first and when giving a talk, I would show my brother Neal how to deliver his words. I helped my brother Stuart sell more and all of these things, which I did to help them also, were feathers in my cap, so to speak. Like Jacob, I was never settled because I could not live in my own skin. I was too hung up on what others thought about me and to busy showing you what I wanted you to see rather than the scared kid I was. I see myself in Jacob in this way, he could not rise above his past errors and change his way.
This is where I diverted from Jacob’s path. I read this Parashah seriously for the first time in 1987 and saw why we are call Jews and Judaism. In this Parashah, Judah ‘turns away’ from his family, begins one of his own and becomes his own person. We learn that he is in need of cheering up after the death of his wife so he goes to the Sheep Shearing festival which is an occasion of merriment and sex, drugs and rock and roll:) He finds a prostitute, has sex, gives her a pledge to pay her later. He sends his friend to find her and pay her. His friend, Hirah, asked where the Kdasha is. He calls her a Holy Woman, while the translation calls her a harlot. Judah learns that the woman he thought a prostitute was actually his daughter-in-law who was waiting for Judah to give her his 3rd son in marriage. Upon realizing his error, he says that she, Tamar, “is more righteous than I”. Had Judah been trapped by his family of origin system, he would have blamed her, had her put to death and ignored his own error. He did, however, rise above his history to make a new way of being for his future descendants.
We are his descendants! I knew then that I was not trapped by my past. What a relief! This made me hopeful for a new beginning.
This is so important for all of us in this moment. We are not trapped by our past, family system, past actions, etc. We have the power and the spirit to change if we are willing to do the work of change. The new beginning is continuing. I nor you have arrived anywhere yet, we are still works in progress and still able to change our past and enhance our future. To my brother, Rabbi Neal Borovitz, I am sorry for the ways I treated you when we were kids. I am grateful for our relationship as adults and Mom did like you best:) To my sister, Sheri Borovitz-Linda, you still are everyone’s favorite and I am grateful for the ways we interact with love and humor. My siblings and I are a family that fights together (and with each other) and sees each other as allies, never enemies. I pray this is the same for you. Shabbat Shalom, Rabbi Mark